How close do you want to get to God?

Da  lifney mi atah omeid?  Know before Whom you stand. These words, about the "nobody's God" whom  I so love, are carved above the ark in my synagogue and in many others. When my mind wanders at services, often they pull my eyes toward them like a magnet and bring my attention back.

But when I consider my relation to God--which I often do--the words come closer than any others I know to being more than a statement. It seems to me they also pose a question. A question it isn't easy to answer. Even though no one but God and I will hear my inner debate or my answer. My answer for that day, or perhaps only that moment. Is there an optimum distance between me and God? And, if so, who decides? God or me?  

It isn't an easy question to ponder. Ha! now that's an understatement (not my most recognizable style).  Becuase, of course, there is something to be said in favor of working toward intimacy with God, and there is a good deal to be said for "keeping one's distance," so to speak.

There are sensible reasons not to work to make my relationship with God more intimate. To get closer to  the God who brought us out of Egypt--smack into the desert?  Who drew Moses up to Sinai--only to lay down the Law?  Who never seems to pull out all the stops for us the way He did for Joshua?  Or try this one on for size: all Abram did was say Hineni, Here I am, and wiz boom bam, he and all his possessions were on the road to...where?  Even IBM lets you know where they're transferring  you  to.  And that was only the beginning of what God asked of Abram.  The cruel decisions He placed before him.  O, Hagar, beloved Hagar.  Threat to Isaac, real or imagined. Does Abraham (his Ellis Island name) tell Sarah he loves both his sons, and she should go take a bath and relax her fears? And then, of course, there's Isaac and the BIG test. Who passed that one, tell me. (I suspect it may have been Sarah, who followed them, and talked back to God so cogently that He backed off. I wrote a midrash with this scenario--still strikes me as realistic.)

So much for intimacy with the Man in the corner office with more windows than all other corner offices combined.

But, then, intimacy has its attractions.  Think the sexiest movie star of your choice, with the savvy of Solomon, the voice of Sinatra, the insights of Abraham Joshua Heschel, the kindness of  Rabbi Herschel Matt, the humble courage of Pope John XXIII--and a smile like...God's.  Just think about the prospect of having an intimate relationship with that God.

But we cannot know if God's traits are a combination of what distinguished those remarkale human beings--or a set beyond our imagining. More spectacular? Simpler? Quieter? Generally at peace with his/her creation or furious at having given us free will? Don't waste your energy guessing. We have to decide without having the answers at the back of the book. They're not all even in the body of the Book.
Living with uncertainty is the price of belief.

So: how close DO you want to get to God?       

Oh my

August 11

Have I been busy! Of course I know that's no excuse for neglecting my blog. What's more, writing it may help me clarify any number of things. So here are my current four tasks, for which I have neither sufficient hands nor head.

1. I have been organizing an auction for my synagogue since February, to take place October 29th. There is still much to be done. I ran my fourth and "last" one in 2005. Retired, publically, and in my head. But I know how to do it, and others don't have the experience or know-how--such as that it takes eight months to do well. Others tried to get one going. No go. So this past winter, I volunteered to do it again. It's harder work than I remembered. (My mother used to say that it was a good thing women didn't remember how much childbirth hurt, or no woman would ever have more than one child.)

2. I have been looking to move for a while now, to rent another apartment where this NYC-raised non-driver can still walk to my usual haunts (such as the Y). The right place in the right building turned up at, well, not the best time. I move september 15th. Decades of files and drafts need to be culled, the rest packed. This, too, is hard work.

3. I have had several health issues, which, rest assured, will not be detailed here. Besides, I hate to dwell on them long enough to write at all clearly about them. Suffice it to say that I have an unpleasant knack for getting unusual health problems. Know how many meds there are to treat high blood pressure? Me neither, but there are many many many. Know how many there are to treat abnormally low blood pressure? I'm on IT. I pray that my doctors to learn to collaborate. My current observation is that each one--and they are good physicians--tends to forget that a patient has numerous organs which interact, more than a single orifice, and is sometimes prescribed meds which don't "play well" with others.

4. I have in recent weeks had several people about whom I care require serious surgeries. I pray for them, a lot, partly to cut my worry level down above sea level; partly in hopes of reminding God to keep watch over my friends and, especially, to take good care of the surgeons involved, without reminding Him/Her so often that I get on God's nerves.

5. Maybe simply writing these down as I just have will help me to manage my time and effort more productively. Maybe not. But it's worth a try.

God bless my friends, my therapist, and God Him/Herself for allowing me to trust that, when I pray, I'm not pissing in the wind.